I reflect back on this past year and on the many things I am grateful for. I will admit that this has been the most trying year yet. The challenges of the Quarter-Life Crisis seem to have culminated in this one year. This is my first long stint in corporate America and I have learned some very difficult lessons. I have made mistakes, have had to swallow pride and put my nose to the grindstone harder and longer than I could have imagined. My journey continues still, but I know that all my hard work has finally paid off. It isn't official yet, but I will be promoted before the end of the year.In these past few months, I have made a very concerted effort to devote myself to my writing. In my hour-long commute (both ways) to my 9-5 job in publishing, I've had to work had to find time to do the thing that fulfills me and provides me with singleness of purpose- that is my writing. At times it has been quite a sacrifice; if I have a deadline to meet or a stroke of inspiration moves me, I will write well into the night. Sometimes I can't sleep because my mind is exploding with ideas. But then my alarm will wake me at the wee hour of 5:55am and I have to get up to avoid traffic on my way to work. Sometimes I'm so fitfully tired that before going into work, I will nap in the parking lot to at least give myself some time to re-energize before stepping into the office.
All this has paid off: this year alone, I was a finalist for the NYC Midnight Flash Fiction Contest. My story was accepted in Tayo Literary Magazine, and before the year is out my co-authorship project for "I Love Philippines" will be publishing. I have also had the wonderful opportunity of taking on the Community Manager role for the app, myJoblinx, and it has been a joy to write about and share my "real world" job experiences as a graduate. I'm glad that the many pitfalls of my professional career can be of help to others like me.
Through other experiences, I've learned that I have a compulsive need to be in control. I always have to know what I'm doing, where I'm going and what's happening next. The thought of purgatory, the in-between, the not knowing is the most terrifying of all. I am 29 years old; I wonder if I will ever make something of myself. I worry about my future and what it will hold. But if there has been anything that I have learned, it is this:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"- Proverbs 3:5
I have to learn to be ok with not knowing. I have to be ok when I can't clearly see what's on the road ahead. When Cristern and I first started dating I had a deep anxiety, a deep fear of abandonment that my past relationship has ingrained in me. When Cris would visit his family in the Philippines it would be the most difficult time for me... thinking perhaps he wouldn't return to me, much the same way John chose to stay there. One of the things Cristern's friends would always say to me is "He loves you. Trust!"
Trust.
When I got up this morning, that bible verse came into my mind. I think about my journey here, and for all the complaining I do, I am a million times blessed. I have wonderful, loving and supportive friends and family. I have a man who loves me and cherishes what we have. I have a job that I go to everyday. I have the opportunity to write and do what fulfills me.
"Trust" begins and ends with the letter "T," a cross. In Jesus' sacrifice we are free. I am free to live my life and to leave the future in the very loving hands of my Lord.
In the past I have confined my praise of a higher power in my own private writing. But I feel compelled to share it now because I am grateful for everything that I have (and also what I don't have) and I know it can all attributed to something bigger than me.
God helps those who help themselves.
I am far from where I want to be, but I grateful that I am not where I used to be. I know that if I keep working hard and leave everything else to God, there will always be something to be thankful for.
